They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
