i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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