theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I love having hate sex.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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