The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
