You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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