so that wasnt chicken after all
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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