You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
