hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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