The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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