he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
