It's Friday. Sex?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
