Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
