when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
