You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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