i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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