I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
