I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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