So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
