I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
