just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
where are you?
Hypothermia
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
