this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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