I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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