i just wanna soil my oats bro
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
