spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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