There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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