At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
