I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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