Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
