so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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