I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
