i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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