Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
