you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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