Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
