After last night, I could never be a politician.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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