I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
There's always time for handjobs
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
