I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
