Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
