So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
