You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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