Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
