I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
third nipple confirmed
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
