birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
