I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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