oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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