I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
