She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
