Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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