Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
