i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Randomize
