lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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