I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My feet surprised me
Randomize
